spiralling into the void

I used to think people who say they have “anxiety” are just people who can’t handle stress and don’t manage their time well. And that it’s just an excuse to elicit sympathy from others. Now I find myself questioning my own state, is this what they call anxiety?

Honestly, it really is a self-inflicted condition. Now I think back of all the “should have done” and I am overwhelmed with regret. I should have appreciated the friendship while it was going well. I should have worked harder; I should have done more research; I should have tried more things; I should have planned a proper project; I should have planned my whole summer with more detail!

So many regrets just over a short span of 2 months! This is how much your state of mind can change, so rapidly.

I have been thinking lately, so much of my past accomplishments have been due to my mum’s nurturing. I would definitely not be who I am now without her drilling the discipline and routine into me. And now I realise how crippled I actually am without it. I am like the morning glory plant without fences to climb on. I have been relying too much on mum that I never really developed proper discipline myself.

A heavy cloud over my head recently has been whether I am smart enough and have the necessary “background” to do a PhD. Have I done enough to show that I have the “passion” for the subject? Heck, I don’t even know specifically what I am interested in. How do people have the energy and brains to do so many interesting projects and learn all the smart shit? Am I not spending my youth correctly? 是我不够拼吗？（”Am I not putting in enough effort for my life?”)

I guess another life philosophy/principle to add to my list is “If you have decided to do something, you should give your 100%, or more. Else it is better to not do it. If you are alive, you should live your life fully. Else it is no different from being dead.”