Scrolling Instagram Makes Me Unhappy

Today I uninstalled Instagram from my phone because I suddenly slipped into an unhappy void while aimlessly scrolling the app. Recently I have felt this way, but this time it hit me more strongly. It was a random update post from a friend which sort of hinted that he is starting a new relationship. This made me compare myself with the people around me again and I felt like I was the only one who wasn’t in a relationship and it made me question myself - is there something I am doing wrong? Am I a failure? Does no one like me? It made me feel worthless, so I decided to hit the uninstall button.

Today is also the day I decide to embark on a 31 day journey of writing everyday online. Since it’s the 1st of August, it just seems like a nice starting point - who doesn’t like to start on the 1st of the month? It’s also scary that it is already August, time flies.

I have been at home for more than a month now and I have not really accomplished anything yet. I feel like I have been wasting time because I don’t really know what I have done? Time seems to just pass by so fast everyday and I feel quite lethargic for no reason (I sleep 8-9 hours a day so no, it’s not a lack of sleep). Maybe it is the lack of motion and thinking.

I read a tweet the other day by Paul Graham and he said good writers are rare because good writers are really just good thinkers, and good thinkers are rare. I have been avoiding my own inner thoughts for some time now because I think I don’t like wallowing in my thoughts and feeling things. I avoid my own feelings because I hate the feelings of sadness, loneliness and all the other bad feelings. But avoiding them is not the solution, nor is packing them away and pretending they don’t exist. Throughout these 31 days, I hope to unpack myself more, understand myself and learn how to believe and love myself more.