Conflicts - Reasons and Resolution

When I was out running today, my pace was slower than usual. This gave me more mental energy to ponder about things (running fast requires more mental energy to focus and not give up). A common interview question companies love to ask is, give an example of a conflict and how you resolved it. I always answered it quite decently, where my key point was “listening”. I explained that I would go to the two opposing parties and listen to their side of story, and why they feel as such etc.

Thinking about this topic again without the pressure to perform, I came to a deeper conclusion. Most of the time, conflicts happen not because of the difference in opinion, but rather the opposing parties feel that they aren’t being understood.It is our core desire to want to be understood. We see examples of it in everyday lives. In romantic relationships, we often yearn to be understood by our partner. When we get into a fight with our parents, we shout, you don’t understand me!

When you can make the opposing parties feel like they are being understood, they are more willing to negotiate and compromise on a solution. Because their core need has been met! When you satisfy that basic need, people magically become more open-minded and tolerant. They become more amicable and less like a hungry tiger ready to pounce. They also become more ready to listen to different opinions.

Effective communication can only happen when the communicating parties are listening to each other. Problems can be solved more effectively when the parties can put aside differences and hold a rational discussion.

Actually, we can go another step deeper. The first step to solving a problem is to understand the basic needs of a person/party. What does she/he actually want? And I think it’s mainly these 3 things. People want to feel respected, they want to feel important and they want to feel needed.

Next time you get in a fight with someone, think, what was it that you denied them of?